The Apology

Author	Message / Information
Ver.bosia	Making the attempt... posted on: 7/27/2004 5:15:04 PM After months of being gone offline and missing friends and acquaintances that I'd known, it became very clear to me that there were two more whom I'd missed more than a lot of others. And whom I had hurt so deeply, and thoughtlessly. Beast and angel. It took me a long time to think and realize that there was a better way to handle things without involving either of them. At the time I was too shortsighted to see it. It was all black/white, right/wrong. I broke trust with two who had been nothing but loyal to me ever since I'd known them. I nearly killed myself posting what I did. At the time I didn't think there was any other way to do things. I wish I had made a better choice. Hindsight is always 20/20. Originally I'd thought of posting an apology on the 3moons board where it happened at the beginning. But because of all the hurt Beast and angel suffered back then, I didn't want to re-open those wounds and create more fodder for the "soapbox" mill that it's become over there. So I found all the email addies for Beast n angel that I'd had and sent the email to each one of them, hoping that at least one would reach their eyes. Afterwards, Beast and I had a chance to talk for a longggggg time, and with His permission I post the email here. He is likewise going to put it on the page He created of the ordeal, so that people who seek the truth can see for themselves, in ways that He and angel control this time, not because someone blinded by black/white (like I was) rushed without thinking and took that decision from them wrongfully. quote: I didn't know which email ya'll use anymore, so I'm hoping that at least one of these email addies will work and you will get this letter. I know this will be 'a day late and a dollar short', but after being gone for so many months, all I had time to think about was the people who meant something to me and I missed, and the people I had hurt with thoughtless actions or words. We spoke before I made that damning post about you, and I think you knew even then that I wasn't speaking out of malice or hate or spite. You're probably one of only a handful who could see that. But never did I think that you would have to endure people being so hateful. I operated under the stupid belief that people in alternative lifestyles, be it Gor, bdsm, any other type or non-traditional relationships, would be more accepting of you and anyone else in a similar situation. shakes head I saw everything in a matter of black and white. I had that misguided philosophy that "can't condone one and condemn another". I was so foolish. I should have realized, and didn't until it was too late, that circumstances being so different made the situations entirely different. I thought i was making the right choice at the time. What I should have done was be true to the friendship and trust that Louise and you had taken a chance in giving me. I really cared about the both of you and still do. I never stopped that. I thought that you shouldn't have to hide who you are, that anyone who knew you wouldn't care, and those who did, weren't worth the time of day. What i thought was a rightful decision caused more pain and incited so much hate and I wish i could go back and undo it, wish i could turn around and not listen to someone else tell me that it was the "only honorable" thing to do. I should have done a lot of things differently. In the end it was still my choice. I chose poorly. I don't mean to bring up bad memories, and i'm going to feel worse if this upsets you more than you have been. But all I've done offline is think about the people I missed, people i pushed away, or people i'd done wrong. You and Louise were better friends than anyone deserves, and I tramped on it. I'm sorry isn't enough, and I can't undo what i did. I wish I could! I can't ask either of you to forgive me for any of it. But you deserve to know that I am sorry, and that if i could go back and change it, I would. I know it isn't nearly enough, and it's too late to expect or ask for anyone to forgive what i did. But it's all i can think of to say, in the most blunt way I know how. I never stopped caring for you or Louise, and I continue to pray that both of you are doing well. Always, Dallas. Things won't be the same as they were. And I will never apologize for anything I've done or said just because someone else "demands" that I do so (you know who you are), because they deem it right. Beast and angel deserved this from me, and I did it because I knew it was right. It's a step. Dallas. Life is about the journey...The single greatest gift we have as human beings, is nothing we can achieve on our own...Hope. -- DRH, 2003
-Master.Beast-	Making the attempt... replied on: 7/27/2004 5:40:04 PM Nods, it is a start. The damage has been done. It cannot be undone we both know this. Hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson in the process. I forgive you but remember, I will never forget. I wish you well Beast Proud owner of angel_DBeast -=To thine ownself be true=-